Brain Damage
by inkdragon13
Summary: After the others give Ratchet a particularly rough time, Optimus Prime begins to wonder if all of the Autobots have brain damage.


**This is inspired by Bill Cosby's stand-up comedy, _Himself_. The two that I use here are called Brain Damage and Kill the Boy. He is hilarious with the stuff he talks about, and it's good, clean humor at that.**

**This is told from Optimus's POV, I don't the Transformers or the stand-up comedy.**

**Hope you like it!**

Brain Damage: Overslept

I woke from my recharge this morning, feeling quite relaxed and rested. I could tell that the base was quiet and peaceful at this early hour from my darkened berthroom, and I welcomed that silence. It was not something I allowed myself to indulge in often.

I rose from my berth and stretched. In the morning I was usually the second bot in the base to wake, the first being my old friend, Ratchet. He normally found something to check or clean once he was awake, so I can expect to see him in the main control room.

Rubbing the remnants of recharge from my optics, I checked my internal chronometer and frowned. Today, I have overslept. The others must be awake at this time. I would prefer if someone came to wake me, but I suppose they allowed me to oversleep. I am not bothered by their decision, but I would rather maintain my daily schedule.

I walked towards my door and turned the dial next to it, steadily brightening the room. I squinted as the light forced my optics to adjust accordingly. There seemed to be nothing unusual about this morning, a fact that pleased me. I preferred to have no unexpected events to occur during the day, especially in the morning. I can only hope that the remainder of the day will be peaceful as it is now.

...

I walked into the main control room and I saw Ratchet standing by the Ground Bridge controls. The expression on his face made me hope that I was not the one he was looking like that about. I walked over to him and greeted him politely.

"Hello, old friend. How are you today?"

Ratchet's expression did not change, nor did he look at me. He merely pointed down the hallway towards Bumblebee's room and said, "I want you... to go down there... and _kill that scout_."

In response I said, "Of course." Though I am not particularly pleased that Bumblebee upset Ratchet, I am happy I am not the one in trouble. I turned and walked down the hallway, wondering what the youngling could have possibly done to anger Ratchet to the point of making such a request. Bumblebee rarely gave the medic any problems, so it was unusual for such an occasion to occur. Perhaps the young scout broke a belonging of Ratchet's. It is not out of the ordinary for my old friend's tools to be accidentally broken by other bots.

I stood in front of Bumblebee's room for a moment before steadily opening the door, making sure that the youngling inside knew that I was entering his room. I spotted the scout sitting on his berth with his helm down, taking on a very pitiful appearance. He glanced up at me and looked back down at his pedes.

I could understand the expression the young scout had. He may have assumed that I would be upset with him for whatever he may have done. I walked closer and stood next to the berth, in front of him. I looked at Bumblebee for a moment longer and spoke to him in a slightly matter-of-fact tone.

"Ratchet sent me here to kill you." Bumblebee nodded.

"_Uh huh."_ This is when I noticed that something was not right. In this type of situation, Bumblebee's doorwings would be down. Now, I could see that they were at their full height. I furrowed my optics ridges and leaned over slightly, so I could closer inspect his doorwings. They appeared to be stuck together, unable to move. I looked closer and saw something stuck in between his wings.

"Is that the Polarity Gauntlet?" Bumblebee nervously nodded again.

"_Uh huh."_

"...How did it get there?" This was the only question I could think of at the moment, and something inside of me wanted to laugh hysterically at the situation at hand, though I made sure not to. Bumblebee had the Polarity Gauntlet magnetized between his doorwings. The sight was actually quite ridiculous. But I suppose that Bumblebee's answer to my question was even worse.

"_I don't know!"_ The scout buzzed pitifully, still refusing to look at me. I bent over slightly, gained and held optic contact with the youngling. I know that his response was not what happened. I spoke to the scout firmly.

"Bumblebee, were your doorwings with you all day today?" He nodded, confirming the answer both of us knew.

"Were you playing with the Polarity Gauntlet?" Bumblebee nodded once more. I knew this was what he was doing with the relic, but I would rather he admit it to me.

"Why didn't you tell me that?"

"_I don't know!"_ Bumblebee repeated in the same way he had before: pitifully.

I know that I will not be able to remove the Polarity Gauntlet without harming the young scout, so I must rely on Ratchet to solve this issue. I am confident that he will. Bumblebee watched as I stood and left his room. He may have expected some sort of punishment. I personally believe that the predicament he is currently in is punishment enough.

Ratchet's face still held the angered expression as I walked back into the main control room.

"_Did you kill him?_" I calmly looked at my furious friend and answered.

"No."

"Why?" In my answer to him I decided to do exactly as the pitiful youngling scout did, though I recognize that it is not of my nature to say such a thing.

"I don't know!"

...Thirty Minutes Later...

Today is not going well for Ratchet.

He has just managed to get the Polarity Gauntlet out from in between Bumblebee's doorwings, and the others seem to be causing problems for him. Knowing how my old friend can be when he is pushed too far, I made sure to avoid him. I would not like to experience his rather explosive conniptions. I would think that the others would feel the same way, but evidently no one told Smokescreen to attempt to remain on Ratchet's good side.

The new recruit had shattered one of Ratchet's medical datapads by knocking onto the floor and accidentally stepping on it, a datapad that stored reports of injuries from battle and things of that nature. Smokescreen was nonchalant about the broken object, while Ratchet was another story to tell.

I stood in front of the green tinted monitor and feigned work while I kept a visual on Smokescreen and Ratchet. I noticed Bulkhead come from down the hallway and stop once he saw the confrontation occurring between our medic and our new recruit.

Ratchet held a large wrench in his servo and waved it in a threatening manner towards Smokescreen, pointing at the shattered datapad on the floor with his free servo.

"I will knock your brains out for that!" I would not put the action past him. Smokescreen merely rolled his optics and scoffed.

"Yeah, right." Immediately after, a deafening clang filled my audio receptors, startling me. Fearing that I would be targetted by the wrath of the wrench if I showed any interest in the situation nearby, I continued to stare at the monitor and appear as if I were focused on locating a new energon source. The first voice I heard was Bulkhead laughing.

"Ratchet, you knocked his brains out!" Ratchet was the next bot I heard as I glanced briefly over at the three mechs.

"Put your brains back into your head! How could you let your brains fall out of your head? Have you lost your mind?!" I couldn't help but smile ever so slightly at Ratchet's last statement the new recruit, who was clutching his helm.

I may see more amusing things today. Ratchet can say things that are highly irrational and humorous when the people around him annoy him.

What possessed Bumblebee to play with the Polarity Gauntlet is beyond my comprehension. I still have yet to understand exactly how it managed to attach itself to the scout's doorwings. Smokescreen walked into a trap, allowing himself to believe that Ratchet would not strike him with a heavy tool, even when he has witnessed myself being hit by the same wrench Ratchet was threatening him with.

If the two younger mechs allowed this lapse of sensible thought, I can only imagine what the other Autobots would do.

**I've been meaning to do this for a while. About three weeks ago I discovered Bill Cosby's comedy on Spotify. Had me cracking up all night! I highly recommend listening to his stand-up comedy. It is hilarious!**

**If you have any questions, comments, or ideas, let me know in a review. **

**Until next time! :)**


End file.
